A Mother’s Guilt

There is guilt in everything you do I feel like when you become a mom. Am I feeding them enough? Feeding them correctly? Teaching them enough? Cuddling them enough? Showing discipline enough? Giving them enough attention? Giving them too much attention? Are they hitting all the milestones? Did I pick the right daycare? Will they realize I left them to go back to work because the United States has shit maternity leave? The list goes on forever for a mother. I’m not kidding.

Right now, I am suffering with mom guilt a lot. I have been living with mom guilt pretty much since Avey has been born. See Avey was born almost exactly 11 months after Oaklynn was born. Oaklynn was still a baby when Avey was born, but sadly she was forced to become a toddler/big sister overnight. Mommy was no longer able to help teach her to walk, hold her hand while she struggled, rock her when she was hurting, cuddle her when she was needy, pick her up just for the fun of it, show her undivided attention, and let her be a baby for a little bit longer. For those of you who have a baby or a young toddler right now, you understand the turmoil I felt and still feel. An 11 month old is still a baby!! Oaklynn is still a tiny baby/toddler, and I was not able to enjoy/be there for her in the way I felt I should. I was constantly holding Avey, a newborn. Avey was not an easy baby either. She cried all the time. This caused Oaklynn to cry all the time because she didn’t understand what was going on, and why mommy couldn’t hold her to soothe her. Showers at night became my cry session, so that no one could see the pain or guilt I felt. (Just writing this I tear up thinking about it).
I know that Oaklynn will not remember this young of age, but I will. Every day is hard right now. Oaklynn is at the age where she constantly needs brain stimulation. Avey is at the age when she is learning quicker than we as adults do. What do I mean by this? Well if adults learned at the rate of babies, we would have all been Albert Einsteins. Sadly, we do not. What I am getting at is that both of my children are at such critical ages for learning and loving. However, I only have 2 hands. There are many days where I am forced to choose which crying baby to pick up. (I truly hope many of you never have to feel that or make that decision.) It is gut wrenching and hard. I do not care what people say, it is heart breaking when you are trying to soothe your infant to sleep, and your 1 year old runs up to you crying, begging you to hold her because she needs her mommy. However, you cannot pick her up because it is physically impossible with a 2 month old in your arms. Avey is 6 months old and that feeling has not changed. It is still just as heart wrenching now.

The reason I share this is because your mom guilt may be over something completely different. You may feel lonely (which causes guilt) due to the restraints of Covid, guilty because you are constantly learning through mistakes, mad because you just need one night of uninterrupted sleep (which in turn causes guilt), guilt because you long for days with just the love of your husband, guilt because you don’t have the time or patience for your husband, guilt after taking a day to be by yourself, guilt over wondering if you are doing anything right? There are so many reasons moms feel guilt and pain. What is even more sad is that we don’t share this with other mom’s; to let them know they are not alone. I promise you, I have felt all the feelings and more that you have felt with becoming a mom. Not all of it is roses!!! Being a mother is the hardest job out there, and I will throat punch anyone who says it isn’t.