Top 10 Things No One Prepares You For After Birth

1. Your nipples will bleed. THERE IS NO WAY TO PREPARE FOR THIS. Maybe just have your husband flick them at random to keep you on your toes. This still is nothing compared to what will happen to your glorious nipples.

2. The aftermath… what do I mean by this? Well the amounts of blood that leave your body is SCARY. Like should we still be alive?

3. More contractions? Oh yes, while you breastfeed, your uterus will try and shrink which causes contractions all over again. As if labor wasn’t enough. Cool.

4. Oh you need to use the bathroom? You should install a bidet. Period.

5. Did I mention the bleeding nipples? My kids heard every cuss word there is in the book during their first week of life.

6. Going home. Bam, out pops a tiny human (I wish the baby just popped out…), and Jacob and I are automatically qualified to keep them alive?! Shouldn’t we have to take a test or stay another day? Or week? Heck, can we take home a nurse too??

7. Newborns are tiny! You think you know what tiny is until you are holding this 7 pound nugget in your hands. Shoot, even a 9 pound nugget is tiny!! It is CRAZY! The diapers are what got me though. How can a baby be so small to fit in those? Sure enough, they do!

8. Breastfeeding in general. IT. IS. HARD. There are so many things working against you… Are your nipples the right shape and size? Are you producing enough milk? Is the baby tongue tied? Is the baby wanting to latch? What hold are you using? Nope, that’s the wrong one. Did you get pregnant 8 weeks out and stop producing milk? Oh wait, that’s what happened to me.

9. The lack of sleep. This is so real. You think you know what tired is before baby. YOU WERE SO WRONG! How on earth do people expect new mothers to function? They say that not sleeping is so dangerous and bad for you, yet we do it for months!! We are practically superheroes, women. (My husband does deserve some praise here too)

10. As that baby grows inside of you, you create a bond with them. You love that baby fiercely. However, it is nothing compared to the love and complete adoration you feel when the baby is laid on your chest for the first time. It is overpowering and overwhelming! Your life will never be the same from that exact moment on.

11. I know I said just 10, BUT I don’t think I said this… YOUR NIPPLES WILL BLEED!